goodbye

i am now in this bathroom. i think i have been in this bathroom for a while now. time flies by so fast. must keep typing away.

and the chorus sang "you are nothing more than a monstrous murder."


no no, that's not how it went. how did oedipus go again?

how did any of it go?
tragedy or comedy?

this is a tragedy.


i can hear the chorus. the chorus inside my heas d screaminfg ay me about how horrible i am.

the images, the things i had done still follows me. must unsee it but i cant because these eyes wont let me.

eyes

Eye

Judgement

oedipus


brooch

i have nothing but my hands.

she forgot me.

finger nails

osdipius

nails

eyes

must

claw

at them

claw at my face

i just want to bang bang bang my head over and over to make it stop
.

but it will hurt so much

must try.

goodbye and so long





sorry.

she doesn't remember me. alexis doesn't remember me.

it feels like everything is so unreal and i'm dreaming. i don't feel real.

i'm in the hotel room, typing this up.

he's gone. someone killed him, and i made that someone disappear as well. there's so much blood on my hands, but i washed them already.

no matter how much i wash them, the blood is still there. my hands sort of hurt. i want to wash them again, i need to cleanse my self, but no matter how many times i wash, there will always be blood on my hands.

it's all futile.

Name

With all the things that have happened so far, I think it is time to state my name. Oh well, here it goes. My name is Kyle. I already told Alexis.

The reason why I didn't reveal my name up until now is due to some weird safety rule I grew up with, or maybe it was my interpretation of the rule. I always thought that the rule meant that I could not give personal information like my name, so it just sort of stuck. Now, I am telling whoever reads this blog my name because I do not want to forget it.

I got to watch a man get mauled by the Rake last night. It was vicious, amusing to see the same man who made Nate disappear, disappear himself. Actually, there were probably bits and pieces of the man left by the time Alexis and I got back to the motel.

 He seemed happy to see the Rake. He was about to say something until the Rake charged at him and started to rip him to shreds. I only saw it. I heard some of it. It was if I was watching a video with the volume turned way down low. I felt someone pulling at my arm. Alexis was crying again. She was saying something but I couldn't quite understand what she was saying. I think she told me to leave so I left.





 I feel sick. And I wanted to do it myself.

Heh,  guess it means I am as bad as they are. I stared at the abyss a bit longer than I should have. I wonder if this is what Fate had in store for me. Guess my life is a tragedy rather than a comedy. I was hoping this will turn into a comedy so that I could at least have a happy ending, but the gods have already decided my fate. Why? Why not. I guess, I don't know. Maybe it is punishment. I needed to be punished. That is probably why I saw that eye before.

Thoughts

I forgot to mention earlier that I got another note telling me the time and place. I have about half an hour before the time, so I'm just going to type out some thoughts. I've been thinking about the note and the crimes that I have committed.  It has been in the back of my mind for years. Not the note, the crimes.

I am still trying to figure all this out.

It really doesn't make any sense. Now that I know I have murdered people, I want to know why I killed them.

Did He make me do it? Does his powers go beyond memory tempering? I doubt it, but He sure didn't help.

Perhaps I am a puppet. Then, if that's true, why did I kill another puppet?

My actions are also somewhat in my control. I say somewhat because I can't remember most things.

The only explanation that I can think of that sort of makes sense is that the Rake caused all this. If I recall correctly, the Rake has a habit of implanting ideas while one sleeps. But, the thing is, I have barely seen him since childhood and a few other times. What set off that horrible urge? Or was he coming to me while I slept recently? Telling me what to do.

Why would the Rake get me to kill his game? As that man told me. The only reason I can think of is just to screw with us. Yes, I said us. The Rake probably has "servants" that he puts against each other. Why? It must be his form of amusement. Does that make me a servant? I guess.

I wonder if this means Gramps (I still refer to him by that silly nick name. Damn habits.) and the Rake were working together. Why? I don't really know. All I know that both were screwing with me. Maybe they just decided to work together for a while until they break me and then one can betray the other or some shit like that. Then again, I can be completely wrong.

Well, I'm leaving. Once I meet that man, I'll be ready.

Well Look What We Have Here. Another Fucking Note.

And it's from that asshole. Apparently he wants me to meet him. It had something to do about payback and shit. His master really doesn't like competition.  I have to meet him soon.

How very specific. Soon. Soon can either mean today, which I doubt, tomorrow, or weeks from now. This man really likes to set me on edge. Fuck him, and fuck his master. I don't even know if I care anymore. To hell with all of this.

Whatever

I can't believe after all this time we finally meet each other. It's been a while since I have seen Gramps. I think months or years. I sort of lost track of time. Now the Rake on the other hand, and the City, I've had numerous encounters with. That fucker seems to travel.  Although I have yet to see any Doors ever since that incident.  I miss them. I miss the life I had
 before all of this. It all seems really strange, unreal.  Running seems futile because they always seem to show up when you least expect it. Or, I get some horrible revelation about something horrible or a terrible thing that I had done without me even knowing I had done it. And I feel that I am disgusting and I need to be punished.


I wish I was wiser and stronger and able to talk to others, and  inspire them. Ugh, it's a good thing Slender just chills in the background, which is a bit unnerving, but most of the time I barely notice him.

Fuck it. I'm just going to go back to staring at the wall.