goodbye

i am now in this bathroom. i think i have been in this bathroom for a while now. time flies by so fast. must keep typing away.

and the chorus sang "you are nothing more than a monstrous murder."


no no, that's not how it went. how did oedipus go again?

how did any of it go?
tragedy or comedy?

this is a tragedy.


i can hear the chorus. the chorus inside my heas d screaminfg ay me about how horrible i am.

the images, the things i had done still follows me. must unsee it but i cant because these eyes wont let me.

eyes

Eye

Judgement

oedipus


brooch

i have nothing but my hands.

she forgot me.

finger nails

osdipius

nails

eyes

must

claw

at them

claw at my face

i just want to bang bang bang my head over and over to make it stop
.

but it will hurt so much

must try.

goodbye and so long





sorry.

she doesn't remember me. alexis doesn't remember me.

it feels like everything is so unreal and i'm dreaming. i don't feel real.

i'm in the hotel room, typing this up.

he's gone. someone killed him, and i made that someone disappear as well. there's so much blood on my hands, but i washed them already.

no matter how much i wash them, the blood is still there. my hands sort of hurt. i want to wash them again, i need to cleanse my self, but no matter how many times i wash, there will always be blood on my hands.

it's all futile.

Name

With all the things that have happened so far, I think it is time to state my name. Oh well, here it goes. My name is Kyle. I already told Alexis.

The reason why I didn't reveal my name up until now is due to some weird safety rule I grew up with, or maybe it was my interpretation of the rule. I always thought that the rule meant that I could not give personal information like my name, so it just sort of stuck. Now, I am telling whoever reads this blog my name because I do not want to forget it.

I got to watch a man get mauled by the Rake last night. It was vicious, amusing to see the same man who made Nate disappear, disappear himself. Actually, there were probably bits and pieces of the man left by the time Alexis and I got back to the motel.

 He seemed happy to see the Rake. He was about to say something until the Rake charged at him and started to rip him to shreds. I only saw it. I heard some of it. It was if I was watching a video with the volume turned way down low. I felt someone pulling at my arm. Alexis was crying again. She was saying something but I couldn't quite understand what she was saying. I think she told me to leave so I left.





 I feel sick. And I wanted to do it myself.

Heh,  guess it means I am as bad as they are. I stared at the abyss a bit longer than I should have. I wonder if this is what Fate had in store for me. Guess my life is a tragedy rather than a comedy. I was hoping this will turn into a comedy so that I could at least have a happy ending, but the gods have already decided my fate. Why? Why not. I guess, I don't know. Maybe it is punishment. I needed to be punished. That is probably why I saw that eye before.

Thoughts

I forgot to mention earlier that I got another note telling me the time and place. I have about half an hour before the time, so I'm just going to type out some thoughts. I've been thinking about the note and the crimes that I have committed.  It has been in the back of my mind for years. Not the note, the crimes.

I am still trying to figure all this out.

It really doesn't make any sense. Now that I know I have murdered people, I want to know why I killed them.

Did He make me do it? Does his powers go beyond memory tempering? I doubt it, but He sure didn't help.

Perhaps I am a puppet. Then, if that's true, why did I kill another puppet?

My actions are also somewhat in my control. I say somewhat because I can't remember most things.

The only explanation that I can think of that sort of makes sense is that the Rake caused all this. If I recall correctly, the Rake has a habit of implanting ideas while one sleeps. But, the thing is, I have barely seen him since childhood and a few other times. What set off that horrible urge? Or was he coming to me while I slept recently? Telling me what to do.

Why would the Rake get me to kill his game? As that man told me. The only reason I can think of is just to screw with us. Yes, I said us. The Rake probably has "servants" that he puts against each other. Why? It must be his form of amusement. Does that make me a servant? I guess.

I wonder if this means Gramps (I still refer to him by that silly nick name. Damn habits.) and the Rake were working together. Why? I don't really know. All I know that both were screwing with me. Maybe they just decided to work together for a while until they break me and then one can betray the other or some shit like that. Then again, I can be completely wrong.

Well, I'm leaving. Once I meet that man, I'll be ready.

Well Look What We Have Here. Another Fucking Note.

And it's from that asshole. Apparently he wants me to meet him. It had something to do about payback and shit. His master really doesn't like competition.  I have to meet him soon.

How very specific. Soon. Soon can either mean today, which I doubt, tomorrow, or weeks from now. This man really likes to set me on edge. Fuck him, and fuck his master. I don't even know if I care anymore. To hell with all of this.

Whatever

I can't believe after all this time we finally meet each other. It's been a while since I have seen Gramps. I think months or years. I sort of lost track of time. Now the Rake on the other hand, and the City, I've had numerous encounters with. That fucker seems to travel.  Although I have yet to see any Doors ever since that incident.  I miss them. I miss the life I had
 before all of this. It all seems really strange, unreal.  Running seems futile because they always seem to show up when you least expect it. Or, I get some horrible revelation about something horrible or a terrible thing that I had done without me even knowing I had done it. And I feel that I am disgusting and I need to be punished.


I wish I was wiser and stronger and able to talk to others, and  inspire them. Ugh, it's a good thing Slender just chills in the background, which is a bit unnerving, but most of the time I barely notice him.

Fuck it. I'm just going to go back to staring at the wall.

Still a bit sick

I am feeling a little bit better than I was yesterday. I am still a bit weak though. Alexis is still asleep. She stood up all night. Hah. I am lucky the manager believes me when I say that I am about 18. Although he wishes I would get an ID and a job. I don't know how long I'll be staying here. What with all the monsters. So, I guess it would be pointless to do so.

Yeah, I remember what i was told last night. It hasn't hit me yet. I'll give it some time.  Right now my feelings a hard to figure out. Then again, when aren't they? This time, I guess I am numb. There must be some feelings under there. Probably a lot of self hatred.

Sick

While Alexis was or is busy blogging, here I am feeling the first stage of an illness. It doesn't help that we don't eat much, but I really don't have much of an appetite,  and I aalso don't sleep much either. My life is just vague. I only do things because Alexis wants me to. Other than that,  I would probably spend my time in bed, maybe content to waste away. At least I won't have to see that dreadful man or those creatures any more if I were dead.

Fucking headache. Welp, it for today.

A cruel joke

I finally know what happened.  I got another note and a picture.  He's dead. That is what the note said,  and the picture is there to confirm it. There is a little smiling face with the tongue sticking out at the end of the note. It is way past April.  It is not even funny. This is actually a really cruel prank and he is still dead. Isn't he?

Note

So, I found some note under a rock near the door. Great thinking for the person as it was rather windy outside.  I think it might rain.

Now, the note. That man, the one who has been following on and off for who knows how long knows where my friend is. I really don't like the looks of this. I have to meet this person soon. I don't know when exactly; the note was vague. I think it might be one of those surprise visits so that I won't be prepared and therefore be on edge. I sure fucking am right now.

gone

He's gone. I can't find him anywhere. I looked everywhere. And I still cannot find him. I looked under the beds, in the closet, in the bathroom, the fridge, EVERYWHERE!

He has been gone for days now. He is never gone for days. Oh, what if he finally gave in and opened the monsterous door? Why would he leave us then? It doesn't make sense. He does not seem like the type to leave us. I hope he isn't.

God now I am scratching my arms so much and I can barely sleep. Alexis says that I have to sleep. She says that I need to rest so that we can think clearly. But I can't sleep. Fuck.notthis shit again. Perhaps I should try to sleep.

Things Are Fine

My feelings for that man have yet to go away. I thought they did after who knows how long but nope. He smiled at me and I got those metaphorical butterflies up in my stomach.
In other news. Damn it is cold. They have tthe AC on. Also, I keep coughing.  It is probably nothing serious. It could be allergies or a minor cold.

(Un)Real talk

Holy shit. I forgot I had this. Well, it is not like anything interesting happened,  other than what appears to be the Rake showing up.  We only heard something,  but we weren't really taking our chances.

Let me talk about how I feel. To be honest I don't really know. I mean, having to move around so much gets bothersome,  I guess it is better than being stuck in a room for a long period of time. And at least I have some campanions with me. They help keep me company, so I won't get too lonely or kill again. So far, so seemingly good.
I still have nightmares sometimes. These aren't the nightmares where I'm being chased or it gets so dark and there's something whispering or I'm being yelled at or everyone hates me. Lately I have nightmares of hurting others, plus some of the other nightmares I have just listed.

And it feels so unreal. Like I look through my post and I keep wondering if that actually happened or if I remember it wrong. Like when I killed that man with my own two hands and threw him in the city. Did I really throw him in the ccity or did I just tthink that I did? Iwas so out of it. The city is supposed to suck you in when you open it. I think. Maybe it made an exception to me or maybe I remembered it wrong and was being hopeful.  Damn this.

There is also that man who keeps on following us. He does not show up too often.  Thank goodness.  I get anxious whenever I see him
I wish that he will just leave me alone. Seriously,  what does he want? I just want to forget.

Well, I may have said something stupid to Jeff N. I told him that I liked him, really like him, and now he's been kind of avoiding me. It sucks. Why did I have to blurt it out like an idiot? Damn. I wonder what my parents would have thought of it. Too bad they're dead. Maybe they would have been accepting of it, maybe not and I would have been kicked out. Heh, I still miss them. It has been about two years and I still fucking miss them. I no longer cry about it, but there is a hole. I don't want to lose them (Jeff N. and Alexis) too. Alexis, she is getting better around me. I think she pities me more than she fears me. A thing that has been concerning me is that man. You know the one who told me of all the horible things I done? Yep. I saw him just a few days ago, and now I am wary of leaving my friends. What if he hurts them while I am not there? Or worse? He knows I saw him. He was grinning at me and he raised a finger to his throat and made it seem like he was slicing himself. He's enjoying every minute of this mental anguish he is causing me. Is he following me? For how long? Or maybe he is on some twisted mission from his master. Oh god, what if he brutally murders a poor family? I mean, I know I've brutally murdered others, a child even (something I will forever regret), but I was unaware of it. I took no pleasure in it when I found out. All I got was nightmares, and trying to be extra careful in hopes that others won't die by my hands. He seems to enjoy it. A horrifying thought just came into my mind. If I had hurt people without knowing it, what is to say that I won't do the same to Alexis or Jeff N.? I can't just leave them but I don't want to kill them. this all to complicated.

Good News and Not So Good News

After all the things that have happened so far, this is actually pretty decent. Nate remembered his name. Well, he didn't really remember it. An acquaintance of his told him what his name used to be. Jeffery. Nate was apparently his dad's name, whom he hated. Nate, or should I call him Jeffery?, and us (Alexis and I), met this man while we were walking. They have to walk with me in order to insure that no more incidents happen. I told them what happened. Jeff/Nate and the dude talked for a bit, and then we went on our not-so-merry way.

Oh, it seems that Jeff N. (I am going to start referring to Nate as Jeff N.) used to be a drug dealer. I believed he has said that he still occasionally deals out drugs when we are running low on money.

My question has finally been answered. A new question, however, has come to my mind. What kind of drugs?

I have to be watched constantly. I wish I didn't. My relationship with Alexis, after what happened, has been getting a bit better. I think she is still afraid of me, but now she can bare to be in the same room as me, alone, for more than ten minutes.

Jeff N. was disturbed after I told him what I had done, yet he still accepts me. He's nice like that.

Well, I am sorry for not updating sooner. It's been what, two months, since my last post. I haven't really much to talk about.

Why do bad things keep happening? I should have known. Idiot!

I met this man. Actually, he went up to me while I was walking in the alley. He said that he always wanted to meet me, and that he just wanted to tell me a few things, and he did. I didn't know! I am nothing more than a murderer. How many people have I killed while I “zoned” out?

What exactly did I do to those people? I can't remember. My memory was, as I have found out, faulty to begin with, and I didn't notice. I should have known something was going on when I had trouble remembering what the hell I did those days that I wandered about.

I should have done something when my memory became blurred. I joked about it with my new found friends, having no knowledge of the terrible things that I had done.

Of course i'll be that way. I always run away from my problems, avoiding them, instead of actually trying to solve them.

I even tried to avoid my sins that I had committed. Why did I only think that HE wanted to erase my existence? HE made it so that if people do remember me, they will only remember a murderer.

 He told me all about what I had been doing. How I slashed other people's throats. How I sliced up a woman to death with a knife. She was just a puppet, but she cried and begged for me to stop. “It's funny,” he said, “you were the one who attacked first.” That was right after the warehouse meeting. Some were asleep; others were wide awake when I slit their throats.

Heh, some weren't even servants, but I still killed them.

He even had the pictures to prove it. He showed them to me. It was just the after effects of what I did, but I was always there. Always. I had to be punished, he told me. His master doesn't like it when someone else plays with his victims. But I didn't mean to play with his victims. I didn't want to hurt anybody. I swear.

His master? Nightmare. The dreaded whisperer. 

Then he left me there. I'm such an idiot.

Moving Again

We are on the move again. This is a different hotel than the one we were in during  the previous post. Nate keeps telling me not to be to hard on myself. That I did what I had to and I had saved his life. I want to believe him. I really do, but something keeps telling me I'm a terrible person.
Alexis won't speak to me. Every time I try to say something to her, she walks away.
We have to go now.
I feel sick.

A Retelling

Here's a more comprehensive version of my previous post. I did my usual thing (walk around, steal, ponder. That sort of thing). Alexis and Nate were at the room. I came back from my walk to converse with Alexis.

Nate must have seen something while he was peeking out the window (He almost always peeks out the window.) for he told us to hide. Alexis went into the closet, and I went into a cupboard in the kitchen area. It was quite damp in there, and dark. My legs felt cramp as I waited for the call to come out. Instead of hearing the signal I heard someone bursting through the door and slamming it shut.
He was yelling at Nate. He wanted to know where the girl was.

I don't really know the specifics of it. All I knew was that he was threatening to kill Nate if Nate didn't tell him where the girl was.

I was panicking. I didn't want Nate to die, but Nate kept telling the man he didn't know what girl the man was talking about.

I quietly open the cupboard door and got out. I tiptoed, quite literally, to the drawers, opened one up, and got myself a butchers knife. The only thing that was going through my head was to protect Nate.

The man wasn't really a big man. A little bit bigger than Nate, that's all.

I snuck up behind the man and stabbed in the stomach area. I kept stabbing him until he finally dropped down dead.

Alexis came out from her hiding place and she let out a terrible scream and she wouldn't stop crying.

I just stood there, and Nate just stared at me with his eyes wide and mouth open, and Alexis just cried.

I'm so sorry.

I finally managed to say something and you wanna know what I said? I said "We have to clean this up. Please help me clean up this mess." And there was a door, so I used that to get rid of the body. Door means we have to leave.




That's all that happened.

I am truly sorry.

Sorry again so sorry

I have killed a man. Really sorry
Im sorry sososorry i didnt mean to. why? why did i do that? why was it so hard to get the blood stains out? but i must clean it get it out because nate is paying for tgis room and theyll charge him mre if there is any stains.
 shes still crying. she hates me. i am no better than than...them? who are they? proxies? was that man a proxy? i dont...i have to get rid of him. the body.
he came into the room, screaming at nate. he wanted the girl. he threatened nate and i got scared. i told the girl to hide. i grabbed the butcher knife and jammed it into the guys stomach. i jammed it in there really goofd. over and over and over, until his blood soaked my jacket and stained my hands.
just let
must get rid of the body.
and it was so easy


i think i'll give a better account of what happened later. i need to do some cleaning. a shower

gotta throrw uop