Well, I may have said something stupid to Jeff N. I told him that I liked him, really like him, and now he's been kind of avoiding me. It sucks. Why did I have to blurt it out like an idiot? Damn. I wonder what my parents would have thought of it. Too bad they're dead. Maybe they would have been accepting of it, maybe not and I would have been kicked out. Heh, I still miss them. It has been about two years and I still fucking miss them. I no longer cry about it, but there is a hole. I don't want to lose them (Jeff N. and Alexis) too. Alexis, she is getting better around me. I think she pities me more than she fears me. A thing that has been concerning me is that man. You know the one who told me of all the horible things I done? Yep. I saw him just a few days ago, and now I am wary of leaving my friends. What if he hurts them while I am not there? Or worse? He knows I saw him. He was grinning at me and he raised a finger to his throat and made it seem like he was slicing himself. He's enjoying every minute of this mental anguish he is causing me. Is he following me? For how long? Or maybe he is on some twisted mission from his master. Oh god, what if he brutally murders a poor family? I mean, I know I've brutally murdered others, a child even (something I will forever regret), but I was unaware of it. I took no pleasure in it when I found out. All I got was nightmares, and trying to be extra careful in hopes that others won't die by my hands. He seems to enjoy it. A horrifying thought just came into my mind. If I had hurt people without knowing it, what is to say that I won't do the same to Alexis or Jeff N.? I can't just leave them but I don't want to kill them. this all to complicated.

Good News and Not So Good News

After all the things that have happened so far, this is actually pretty decent. Nate remembered his name. Well, he didn't really remember it. An acquaintance of his told him what his name used to be. Jeffery. Nate was apparently his dad's name, whom he hated. Nate, or should I call him Jeffery?, and us (Alexis and I), met this man while we were walking. They have to walk with me in order to insure that no more incidents happen. I told them what happened. Jeff/Nate and the dude talked for a bit, and then we went on our not-so-merry way.

Oh, it seems that Jeff N. (I am going to start referring to Nate as Jeff N.) used to be a drug dealer. I believed he has said that he still occasionally deals out drugs when we are running low on money.

My question has finally been answered. A new question, however, has come to my mind. What kind of drugs?

I have to be watched constantly. I wish I didn't. My relationship with Alexis, after what happened, has been getting a bit better. I think she is still afraid of me, but now she can bare to be in the same room as me, alone, for more than ten minutes.

Jeff N. was disturbed after I told him what I had done, yet he still accepts me. He's nice like that.

Well, I am sorry for not updating sooner. It's been what, two months, since my last post. I haven't really much to talk about.

Why do bad things keep happening? I should have known. Idiot!

I met this man. Actually, he went up to me while I was walking in the alley. He said that he always wanted to meet me, and that he just wanted to tell me a few things, and he did. I didn't know! I am nothing more than a murderer. How many people have I killed while I “zoned” out?

What exactly did I do to those people? I can't remember. My memory was, as I have found out, faulty to begin with, and I didn't notice. I should have known something was going on when I had trouble remembering what the hell I did those days that I wandered about.

I should have done something when my memory became blurred. I joked about it with my new found friends, having no knowledge of the terrible things that I had done.

Of course i'll be that way. I always run away from my problems, avoiding them, instead of actually trying to solve them.

I even tried to avoid my sins that I had committed. Why did I only think that HE wanted to erase my existence? HE made it so that if people do remember me, they will only remember a murderer.

 He told me all about what I had been doing. How I slashed other people's throats. How I sliced up a woman to death with a knife. She was just a puppet, but she cried and begged for me to stop. “It's funny,” he said, “you were the one who attacked first.” That was right after the warehouse meeting. Some were asleep; others were wide awake when I slit their throats.

Heh, some weren't even servants, but I still killed them.

He even had the pictures to prove it. He showed them to me. It was just the after effects of what I did, but I was always there. Always. I had to be punished, he told me. His master doesn't like it when someone else plays with his victims. But I didn't mean to play with his victims. I didn't want to hurt anybody. I swear.

His master? Nightmare. The dreaded whisperer. 

Then he left me there. I'm such an idiot.

Moving Again

We are on the move again. This is a different hotel than the one we were in during  the previous post. Nate keeps telling me not to be to hard on myself. That I did what I had to and I had saved his life. I want to believe him. I really do, but something keeps telling me I'm a terrible person.
Alexis won't speak to me. Every time I try to say something to her, she walks away.
We have to go now.
I feel sick.

A Retelling

Here's a more comprehensive version of my previous post. I did my usual thing (walk around, steal, ponder. That sort of thing). Alexis and Nate were at the room. I came back from my walk to converse with Alexis.

Nate must have seen something while he was peeking out the window (He almost always peeks out the window.) for he told us to hide. Alexis went into the closet, and I went into a cupboard in the kitchen area. It was quite damp in there, and dark. My legs felt cramp as I waited for the call to come out. Instead of hearing the signal I heard someone bursting through the door and slamming it shut.
He was yelling at Nate. He wanted to know where the girl was.

I don't really know the specifics of it. All I knew was that he was threatening to kill Nate if Nate didn't tell him where the girl was.

I was panicking. I didn't want Nate to die, but Nate kept telling the man he didn't know what girl the man was talking about.

I quietly open the cupboard door and got out. I tiptoed, quite literally, to the drawers, opened one up, and got myself a butchers knife. The only thing that was going through my head was to protect Nate.

The man wasn't really a big man. A little bit bigger than Nate, that's all.

I snuck up behind the man and stabbed in the stomach area. I kept stabbing him until he finally dropped down dead.

Alexis came out from her hiding place and she let out a terrible scream and she wouldn't stop crying.

I just stood there, and Nate just stared at me with his eyes wide and mouth open, and Alexis just cried.

I'm so sorry.

I finally managed to say something and you wanna know what I said? I said "We have to clean this up. Please help me clean up this mess." And there was a door, so I used that to get rid of the body. Door means we have to leave.




That's all that happened.

I am truly sorry.

Sorry again so sorry

I have killed a man. Really sorry
Im sorry sososorry i didnt mean to. why? why did i do that? why was it so hard to get the blood stains out? but i must clean it get it out because nate is paying for tgis room and theyll charge him mre if there is any stains.
 shes still crying. she hates me. i am no better than than...them? who are they? proxies? was that man a proxy? i dont...i have to get rid of him. the body.
he came into the room, screaming at nate. he wanted the girl. he threatened nate and i got scared. i told the girl to hide. i grabbed the butcher knife and jammed it into the guys stomach. i jammed it in there really goofd. over and over and over, until his blood soaked my jacket and stained my hands.
just let
must get rid of the body.
and it was so easy


i think i'll give a better account of what happened later. i need to do some cleaning. a shower

gotta throrw uop