gone

He's gone. I can't find him anywhere. I looked everywhere. And I still cannot find him. I looked under the beds, in the closet, in the bathroom, the fridge, EVERYWHERE!

He has been gone for days now. He is never gone for days. Oh, what if he finally gave in and opened the monsterous door? Why would he leave us then? It doesn't make sense. He does not seem like the type to leave us. I hope he isn't.

God now I am scratching my arms so much and I can barely sleep. Alexis says that I have to sleep. She says that I need to rest so that we can think clearly. But I can't sleep. Fuck.notthis shit again. Perhaps I should try to sleep.

Things Are Fine

My feelings for that man have yet to go away. I thought they did after who knows how long but nope. He smiled at me and I got those metaphorical butterflies up in my stomach.
In other news. Damn it is cold. They have tthe AC on. Also, I keep coughing.  It is probably nothing serious. It could be allergies or a minor cold.

(Un)Real talk

Holy shit. I forgot I had this. Well, it is not like anything interesting happened,  other than what appears to be the Rake showing up.  We only heard something,  but we weren't really taking our chances.

Let me talk about how I feel. To be honest I don't really know. I mean, having to move around so much gets bothersome,  I guess it is better than being stuck in a room for a long period of time. And at least I have some campanions with me. They help keep me company, so I won't get too lonely or kill again. So far, so seemingly good.
I still have nightmares sometimes. These aren't the nightmares where I'm being chased or it gets so dark and there's something whispering or I'm being yelled at or everyone hates me. Lately I have nightmares of hurting others, plus some of the other nightmares I have just listed.

And it feels so unreal. Like I look through my post and I keep wondering if that actually happened or if I remember it wrong. Like when I killed that man with my own two hands and threw him in the city. Did I really throw him in the ccity or did I just tthink that I did? Iwas so out of it. The city is supposed to suck you in when you open it. I think. Maybe it made an exception to me or maybe I remembered it wrong and was being hopeful.  Damn this.

There is also that man who keeps on following us. He does not show up too often.  Thank goodness.  I get anxious whenever I see him
I wish that he will just leave me alone. Seriously,  what does he want? I just want to forget.

Well, I may have said something stupid to Jeff N. I told him that I liked him, really like him, and now he's been kind of avoiding me. It sucks. Why did I have to blurt it out like an idiot? Damn. I wonder what my parents would have thought of it. Too bad they're dead. Maybe they would have been accepting of it, maybe not and I would have been kicked out. Heh, I still miss them. It has been about two years and I still fucking miss them. I no longer cry about it, but there is a hole. I don't want to lose them (Jeff N. and Alexis) too. Alexis, she is getting better around me. I think she pities me more than she fears me. A thing that has been concerning me is that man. You know the one who told me of all the horible things I done? Yep. I saw him just a few days ago, and now I am wary of leaving my friends. What if he hurts them while I am not there? Or worse? He knows I saw him. He was grinning at me and he raised a finger to his throat and made it seem like he was slicing himself. He's enjoying every minute of this mental anguish he is causing me. Is he following me? For how long? Or maybe he is on some twisted mission from his master. Oh god, what if he brutally murders a poor family? I mean, I know I've brutally murdered others, a child even (something I will forever regret), but I was unaware of it. I took no pleasure in it when I found out. All I got was nightmares, and trying to be extra careful in hopes that others won't die by my hands. He seems to enjoy it. A horrifying thought just came into my mind. If I had hurt people without knowing it, what is to say that I won't do the same to Alexis or Jeff N.? I can't just leave them but I don't want to kill them. this all to complicated.

Good News and Not So Good News

After all the things that have happened so far, this is actually pretty decent. Nate remembered his name. Well, he didn't really remember it. An acquaintance of his told him what his name used to be. Jeffery. Nate was apparently his dad's name, whom he hated. Nate, or should I call him Jeffery?, and us (Alexis and I), met this man while we were walking. They have to walk with me in order to insure that no more incidents happen. I told them what happened. Jeff/Nate and the dude talked for a bit, and then we went on our not-so-merry way.

Oh, it seems that Jeff N. (I am going to start referring to Nate as Jeff N.) used to be a drug dealer. I believed he has said that he still occasionally deals out drugs when we are running low on money.

My question has finally been answered. A new question, however, has come to my mind. What kind of drugs?

I have to be watched constantly. I wish I didn't. My relationship with Alexis, after what happened, has been getting a bit better. I think she is still afraid of me, but now she can bare to be in the same room as me, alone, for more than ten minutes.

Jeff N. was disturbed after I told him what I had done, yet he still accepts me. He's nice like that.

Well, I am sorry for not updating sooner. It's been what, two months, since my last post. I haven't really much to talk about.

Why do bad things keep happening? I should have known. Idiot!

I met this man. Actually, he went up to me while I was walking in the alley. He said that he always wanted to meet me, and that he just wanted to tell me a few things, and he did. I didn't know! I am nothing more than a murderer. How many people have I killed while I “zoned” out?

What exactly did I do to those people? I can't remember. My memory was, as I have found out, faulty to begin with, and I didn't notice. I should have known something was going on when I had trouble remembering what the hell I did those days that I wandered about.

I should have done something when my memory became blurred. I joked about it with my new found friends, having no knowledge of the terrible things that I had done.

Of course i'll be that way. I always run away from my problems, avoiding them, instead of actually trying to solve them.

I even tried to avoid my sins that I had committed. Why did I only think that HE wanted to erase my existence? HE made it so that if people do remember me, they will only remember a murderer.

 He told me all about what I had been doing. How I slashed other people's throats. How I sliced up a woman to death with a knife. She was just a puppet, but she cried and begged for me to stop. “It's funny,” he said, “you were the one who attacked first.” That was right after the warehouse meeting. Some were asleep; others were wide awake when I slit their throats.

Heh, some weren't even servants, but I still killed them.

He even had the pictures to prove it. He showed them to me. It was just the after effects of what I did, but I was always there. Always. I had to be punished, he told me. His master doesn't like it when someone else plays with his victims. But I didn't mean to play with his victims. I didn't want to hurt anybody. I swear.

His master? Nightmare. The dreaded whisperer. 

Then he left me there. I'm such an idiot.

Moving Again

We are on the move again. This is a different hotel than the one we were in during  the previous post. Nate keeps telling me not to be to hard on myself. That I did what I had to and I had saved his life. I want to believe him. I really do, but something keeps telling me I'm a terrible person.
Alexis won't speak to me. Every time I try to say something to her, she walks away.
We have to go now.
I feel sick.